There is a large bed in the middle of the stage facing the audience with dark, lightly disturbed navy sheets. There is also a boombox stage right. The lighting is low and romantic. On it, two teenagers in underwear sit facing away from each other. What sounds like elevator music is playing softly in the background. There is a large, pink vibrator in the middle of the bed. The mood is awkward. They speak with light Southern accents.
Mark (Nervously) : Its not like I don’t, want to… per se, you know. I want to, I mean yeah definitely but - well yeah you know… right? Don’t want to wake anyone up with the, ummmm noise. stuff. It’s just with that, and all — (he eyes the vibrator). There’d be a lot of shaking and… noise. And my grandmother is right… right down the hall (his voice slowly trailing off) and she has this habit of sleepwalking, and I just went to church with her this morning and all. (Pause. The girl turns to look at the vibrator; Mark snaps back to look ahead of himself, avoiding eye contact).
Cassidy: It’s probably not that loud Mark; it’s not really that big or anything I don’t think? (Mark gets up and looks down at it standing aimlessly, Cassidy becomes preoccupied with finding something on the floor) It’s just kinda fooling around… it was stupid yeah I shouldn’t have brought it or anything I wasn’t really sure but it is here now I guess. I don’t know what that means or anything but it is here and all…
Mark: Yeah, yeah I know but maybe later Cassidy, I’m going to get the music now though and I’ll be right back. (He walks around the bed at a wide berth, he begins to fiddle with some dials on the boombox, talking while he does. He has difficulty turning the music off) I got this CD from my older brother when he went to college. It’s pretty good, I mean, I like it at least. Machine must be broken. Yeah, damn thing always, acting up and… you know, stuff… Where do you even buy something like that anyway, I mean its just… wow. (We hear a creaking from stage right, from a door, but the two teens don’t seem to notice. An enormous old man in a night gown walks serenely onst age from the left, asleep. She stops near the bed and moves to the beat of the song.) Anyways I’m just real tired and all, we gotta get back home and all tomorrow and — (He turns and sees his grandmother, and freezes in fear. The music is still playing faintly)
Cassidy (Believing he his only worried about the vibrator): Yeah we kinda have to leave tomorrow and all, but it will be our last chance and if you’re worried about this thing then it was just stupid we don’t even have to think about it if you’re uncomforta — (She turns and reaches out for it, but as she is about to grab it she sees the grandmother and leaps back off of the bed. With a furvative whisper.) Sweet Jesus Mark how long has she been in the — has she? Is she even awake?
Mark (whispering back): No? No. I don’t think so at least she probably would have, you know, seen it… (Pause as the two are unsure what to do)
Cassidy: What do we do Mark!
Mark: I don’t know usually I just prod her back into her room with a broom or something.
Cassidy: You prod her? With a broom?
Mark: You know, gently and all, just to kind of get her down the hall and such.
Cassidy: Well why don’t you just use your hands! She’s not a steer.
Mark: Well no, but… It’s just she’s really clammy at night. Like her skin is all wet and moist (he shudders as he says the word). And there’s this thing she does when she sleeps that —
Cassidy: All right all right, let’s find a broom then (The grandmother is slowly waltzing around to the other side of the bed).
Mark: Well I never said that I had one here or anything… Oh damn damn damn she’s getting closer!
Cassidy: Well then what the hell are we going to — (she catches sight of the vibrator) use… (Mark notices her gaze and begins violently shaking his head. They pantomime an argument as the grandmother rounds the bed. Cassidy points urgently at the bed, and Mark finally rushes over and grabs it, holding it like a piece of trash)
Mark: Well now what I do?
Cassidy: I thought you said you’d done this before?
Mark: I mean I’ve seen it done before, I guess…
Cassidy: Just kinda… prod her, you know… Kinda push her with it or something.
Mark very tentatively pokes his grandmother with the vibrator, then again, trying to turn her around Cassidy creeps to pick up her clothes by the side of the bed. He succeeds, and he becomes more bold, pushing into her back. He brandishes the vibrator with something like confidence)
Cassidy: Yes! Mark that’s it, don’t stop now! (Mark now has his grandmother almost on the other side of the bed). I’m just going to get the music. (Holding her clothes in her hand, Cassidy begins to play with the boombox. Almost immediately the volume shoots up to an almost deafening level. Mark whips around in horror, the vibrator raised at his grandmother as she begins to dance with more gusto, Cassidy is panicking). It broke!
Mark: What do you mean it broke? Cassidy! Cassidy turn it off! (There are sounds of footsteps followed quickly by bright lights being turned on onstage as Mark’s parents enters stage left, groggy and in sleep clothes. Mark freezes for a second before helplessly throwing the vibrator onto the bed. Cassidy, in horror, rips the plug for the boombox out of the wall. The grandmother stops dancing and wakes up.)
Dad: What is going on with that music… Why is your grandmother — (He notices the vibrator). Oh! (He sees Cassidy, clutching her clothes to her chest.) Ohhhhh…. Honey we should… (he looks at the grandmother, perplexed, then back at the vibrator, and back) We should, um… Well I don’t really know what we should do.
Mark: Its not what it looks like Dad, you know. We were just trying to help Grandmother back into bed and all…
Mom: Trying to get her, with… well with — with that?! (The grandmother is rousing herself awake)
Cassidy: She just kinda came in here Mrs. Algernon. She sleep walks you know, and she just kinda came in and we well…. Yeah. Everyone is standing around awkwardly unsure of what to do. They try not to look at the vibrator, but they all risk furtive glances down at it, with a mixture of detest, dread, curiosity, and puzzlement. The Grandmother wakes up and looks around at everyone. She seems refreshed).
Grandmother: Oh Mark, good morning! I just had the loveliest dream of your grandfather was courting me all over again at that USO dance. He was a sly little devil… Cassidy, its good to see you are still with us this morning, thought you were going home. And Ben, Judith! Are we having some sort of party for brunch this morning? Oh that’s lovely. (She notices the vibrator suddenly and stares at it a moment, everyone else looks at each other, frozen. Mark starts to back away) Is this…? Is this one of those dildos? Mark? (He stops, and she picks up the vibrator). Mark! Mark get your scrawny ass over back over here! Bringing this filth in my house. What are you, 16? God gave you a perfectly good one of these already, now didn’t he. Psh… a dildo, in my house. (He walks up to her, his head down. She stares at him, then at the vibrator, then back down at him. And then she whacks him across the face with it, stuffs it in a pocket, and walks out.